In a few short months, we will have a new President. This is an important decision for us, because the President represents the country on many important stages worldwide, and we want someone we can be proud of.
Many names are being thrown around, the latest being telecom god Sam Pitroda. I want to list down a few names as well, but I will do it scientifically, by analyzing trends. We all know who our previous and current Presidents are. By analyzing the things that changed last time we chose a new President, I feel confident that I will be able to predict the next President, or at least give you a small list to choose from. Here it is:
1. Knowledge of science and technology: Two Presidents ago, we had a key architect of the Indian missile program. Our next President once claimed that she had talked to a ghost. Extrapolating this trend, I expect that our next President will have the technological know how of pre-historic man in the very beginning, before fire and all that came to complicate our lives. I suggest Rakhi Sawant, for her statement exposing the evils of plastic surgery: Jo Bhagwan nahi deta, woh doctor de deta hai.
2. Gender: Our last President was the first person of her gender to become President. To keep this trend going, we need a President this time who is the first of his/her/its gender. And since his and her are already done, we need something new. Yes, we need a transgender President. Might I suggest Bobby Darling, mostly because other transgenders might start begging foreign dignitaries for money?
3. Hairstyle: The President before last had a hairstyle that would have got him thrown out of any school in the country. Our current one has a dignified hairstyle, with never a hair out of place. I expect that the next will have an even more disciplined hairstyle, which is only possible if he/she is bald. I suggest Raghu Ram of Roadies fame for no good reason.
4. Spending on foreign trips: Recently, an RTI revealed that Rs 205 crore has been spent on our current President’s foreign trips. No details are available for the previous one, but I hazard the guess that it was much lower. Therefore, the next President will have to spend 1 lakh crore on foreign travel to keep up the good work. This will only be possible if he/she/it travels to the Moon or to Mars, so we need our best astronaut to become President. This might be difficult, especially when coupled with Point 1 above.
5. Number of words in name: Two Presidents ago, we had someone with 5 words in his name. Now, we have someone with 2 words in her name. Clearly, the next President will have -1 word in their name. This is quite hard to achieve, but maybe we need to choose someone whose name we keep forgetting – for example, that of the extras who dance next to the main heroine in every item number. They even look the same in every video. They will contribute to the satisfaction of the people of India by ensuring that one new item number is released every day.
6. Inspiration quotient: Of course, inspiration is subjective. However, we have heard that many young children have been inspired to follow their dreams by the rags-to-riches story of APJ Abdul Kalam, while the same is probably not true for his successor. To keep this trend going, our next President will have to be someone who inspires people as negatively as APJ once inspired them positively. Clearly, we need a mass murderer. Who better than Mr. Kasab, whom we have kept alive even though the entire country wants him dead? There are a few problems with his candidature – for example, he is Pakistani and might be killed by order of the Supreme Court at any time – but he is the only person who can keep the downward trend going.
And if you look at the criteria before this, he satisfies most of them as well (or will, after he is shaved bald). Kasab for President!