Although we aspire to spread happiness amongst all, but sometimes we cannot stop ourselves from talking about the darker things of life. So below are the thoughts that appear to me every moment after losing a loved one, forever.
Although there had been a huge age difference between us, but our bond was stronger and deeper than anybody else in the family. We were more like best friends who never talk a lot though, but whenever we did it felt like we know all important aspects in each other’s life. We were like those secret holders of each other where we knew our secrets are kept safe. I would run to him whenever I feel stuck in life and he will call me to his place whenever he felt weak and wanted my scolding to get hopeful about life. Everyone in family always knew we will be on each other’s side. He will support even my silliest wish in front of others and when we are alone, he would tell me the logical and conceptual things regarding my silly wish, he would try to make me understand I should think more rationally about the same and I will agree. Similarly, all my demands, my complaints would end up at him, he was like the Google of my life where I find all the possible solutions and then I trusted him for choosing the best out of them for me.
He was the bravest pillar of our family, my tauji, my father’s eldest brother. But unfortunately he was grabbed by the worst of all illness, Cancer. Although we were all hopeful, a part of us had accepted his life was no longer certain. My mind knew, my heart never wanted to accept. I remember and even regret the day I met him last, I never knew it would be the last time I was seeing him moving, seeing him blessing me, seeing him complaining me of leaving him. Yeah, I was going for some work out of town, just for one day yes only 24 hours and I lost him in those 24 hours only. When I went to meet him he was sleeping under heavy dosage of medication, I thought to never disturb him so meeting others, telling them how I would manage alone as I was going alone for the very first time. I turned to leave and to mine and everyone’s utter surprise, he shouted, he clapped. I turned to him and he called me towards him. Lately it was very difficult for him to speak as his tongue was all swollen too badly. So I sat down on my knees in front of him to listen what he wants to say. He bit angrily asked me, “You going without even saying a goodbye to me?” I smiled and said, “O c’mon, it’s just for a day I am going, I will be back day after tomorrow. So I am not saying any goodbyes to you. Take care of you I will return soon.” I said and patted his hand, he held it for some moment, stared at me, and again got sleepy. I turned and left. Little did I knew it was actually my last goodbye to him, in my stubbornness I didn’t said a goodbye, I wish I could hug him one last time, I wish I could tell him how much he means to me, how much I miss his advices, his concerns. I was happily returning back when on the midway I heard my mother’s frantic panicked voice, “Where are you just return back ASAP” And at that moment I knew he was critical, a part of me said what if he is no more and I immediately scolded myself for even thinking that. I reached in another hour and to my shock, he was no more, I couldn’t see those twinkling eyes, that brave smile, I couldn’t hear his praise for traveling all the way alone for the first time. I kept sitting where he was kept, for hours, which seemed eternity, just for one hope, it was all a bad dream and he would wake up, hug me, talk to me, but it never happened.
It’s hard to write further about the changes his death has brought in our lives, especially mine but he had left a void, a hollowness that will never be filled. Certain dreams are shattered forever, no matter how much I mourn about it, the damage is irreparable. He had taken away a part of me with him, the part of me that is never going to return, a part of me died too with him.